My Summer Vacation

Community Articles October 10, 2002 admin


My Summer Vacation

I’ve not done a Wrap-Up© in
so long that I forgot how to actually start, and had to look
at some old ones for reference. I could’ve sworn that I used
a lot more nudity, and as I recall, there were banner ads for
pharmaceuticals, but damned if I could find them. I vaguely remember
Richard asking me not to use so much profanity, but his
e-mail was so vulgar that I had to delete it, for fear my family
would read it. So, with no formula at all to go by, Let’s B-B-Boogie!

Wow! What a summer! Have I been busy, or
what? When last we left I told you I had to mow the lawn. Plan
to do just that this afternoon. The Upstairs is re-modeled, at
the expense of several nice watches I might add, but the marital
contract remains intact. Whatever Wife wants, God wants.
Learn that, and you’ll be a happy man! So, what have I been doing?
Let’s go take a look!


“Please Mr. Russell,
have a seat. The UN needs your help. Can I get you a coffee?
Is that a picture of a woman’s breast you’re holding? May I see?
Most of my summer was spent on important
business out of town. I worked hard. I didn’t just drop the Wrap-Up©
to do nothing. I was out doing things meant to help millions
of people all over the world. Sure, there was some fun, like
my San Francisco visit, but it was, on balance, a serious

In July, I traveled to New York
to meet with Kofi Annan, the seventh Secretary-General
of the United Nations. What can I say? Kofi is cool. Better call
him “General” though or he’ll stiff you on the bar
tab. Here we see him asking me to have a seat. Do I look like
I want to sit down?

” Hey Fidel, what
is this crap? I found it in your humidor. Here, Mike; let me
know what you think. By the way, damn nice tie!”
The good General had called me in
to consult on the Start-Up© of a UN slow-pitch softball
team, being organized for the sole purpose of playing Cuba.
Seems they needed someone unbiased by prior experience. That
would be me. As diplomats, UN members can travel to Cuba and
bring back 400 cigars. This was a worthy use of my time. I needed
an assistant coach and immediately called Mike Disher.
We then flew to Havana to meet on the matter. Here you see us
discussing the use of performance-enhancing drugs, to be distributed
to ALL players, not just those on the Cuban team. I personally
would have preferred Hornuzen to softball, but no one could figure
out how to actually play it, and we kept knocking ourselves out
with the paddles.

“Listen. I’m not
letting go until I get to bat, Hey? Is that a Sock Monkey I feel?”
Our success was so great in Cuba that
I got called immediately to Cincinnati to help out the
Reds. How do I get myself into these things? I mostly
just walked around with a bat looking cool, but did have my share
of problems with the umpires. You can’t really see it in this
photo, but I had this one by the “short hairs” and
hung on until he made Jack McKeon let me bat. “Griffey
Sr. gives Russell the sign and he swings away, short hairs and
all. A direct hit over the center field wall, three runs driven
in, babes in the stands throwing panties on the field, cold beer
flying everywhere, tobacco juice dribbling down everyone’s chin,

and a glorious victory for the home of Gruen!
I was offered a contract right on the spot but I had
to leave for a higher purpose. Good luck, you bunch of no playin’,
no-watch wearin’ Rolex Weenies©!

By now I needed a short break and headed
for home. I missed my wife and young son and caught the next
flight out to Raleigh. I also needed to pick up a change
in watches. Wanna talk about Domestic Tranquility? Well, here’s
where the Eagle lands, baby. That’s the Mrs., Jr., and Dog©
in the background. The portrait is of me back when my hair had
color, unlike Jr. who has always been quite pale. Dog© hates
me. Dog©sucks. Stay tuned for End of Dog©!

” Terry, what say
we pull over there and pee. ” “Fine with me, Mr. President
but isn’t that Janet Reno squatting behind that bush?” “Oh,
Lord. I hope she finishes before we get there”
From home, I left for Washington
where I had been summoned to the White House. Understanding fully
that I am not a registered Democrat, President Clinton
still calls on me occasionally for counsel. He finds my ideas
to be a good balance of esoteric “BS” and political

profundity. So, like the good citizen that
I am, I bought the beer and he paid the cart fee.

As a result of our meeting, Clinton sent
me out to Los Angeles to meet with some heavy hitters
in the Entertainment Industry. Talk about another planet! There’s
a damn good reason so many of these people wear Rolex GMTs. Otherwise
they’d never know what side of the day they were on.

The only good thing to come of this trip was a
chance meeting with Nicole Kidman. I accidentally knocked
her down on my way out of a Ladies Room (looong story) but she

“Nicole, act like
we aren’t looking. Ooh, you’re firming up back there very nicely!”
was very gracious. If you’ve not let
your subscription to the National Enquirer expire, then
you know that she and I have become quite an “item”.
Here is a photo captured by the paparazzi when weren’t looking.
I don’t know much about her situation with Tom, and didn’t feel
it was my place to ask.

While in L.A., I had dinner with Venus
and we discussed my wife’s backhand. It’s strong,
and often unexpected. I have the caps to prove it. So anyway,
Venus starts this whiny-ass crying about having to play some
exhibition benefit the next day, and rather than set and listen
to that crap, I volunteered to take her place. So while I had
to borrow some tennis clothes from her, I ended up winning the
silly match. Agassi is a great tennis player but I think
the built-in-boobs freaked him out. They spooked me a little
at first, but I grew to kinda like them. When we met at the net
to shake hands, I think he tried to pinch me, but hey, what are
you gonna do? I felt really bad that I had beaten him, but Venus
thought it was a hoot. Some fans in the crowd recognized me from
Cincinnati, so I did get to sign a few autographs. I was glad
when it was all over.

“Hey T-Bone, it’s
already got your name it” “That’s swell {bark like
a dog} Mr. President, {make love to Janet}”
From L.A. it was off to San Antonio.
I’d played a little round ball in my time and got a call
from the Spurs wanting to know if I could pick up a couple
of games for them. By now I was anxious to get home, but they
put the pressure on and I agreed. What could I do? They needed
me. Most people don’t! Little did I know they had a party planned
for me and Clinton was there to present me my jersey. Now I was
about tired of his pasty white a$$, but I was gracious and kept
my “get the government out of my face”
attitude to myself. He seemed toget a big kick out of the fact
that the jersey was made by Russell Athletics. Do I look like
I give a rat’s a$$?

So there you have it. A good idea as to
how I spent my summer. Very little vacation and a whole lot of
travel. I’d like to thank the Scandinavian Scan Man©
for his on-location photography, as well as helping me to get
that damn tennis dress zipped up. I could not have done it without

Not much time left for this week, and I
wasn’t around much to capture your collective insanity, but I
would like to mention a few things. Richard went Ape Sh*t one
day and flipped the switch on 6 or 7 new forums.

“eRic, if we’re old
enough to tell time, we are old enough to moderate a bunch of
girlymen with flabby pectoids” “You pump me up Ross!”
There are now enough forums to organize
a league of some sort. If you decide to do this, let me know.
I obviously have a little experience in this area. While I won’t
try and profile all of the new Forum Moderators this week, I
would like to welcome our two youngest moderators, Ross
and eRic. Here we see their press release photo that first
appeared in My Weekly Reader. It was then quickly
picked up by Highlights and they would appreciate very
much if you did not refer to them as Goofus and Galant.
Now I’m not sure just how young they are, but I had to leave
them in the car one night while
some of Florida’s more interesting entertainment establishments.
Congratulations you two. Breitling and Omega are as lucky to
have you as we are!

Oh, yeah. Seems I recall Stephanie
having finally bought another watch at some point. A Mark
I think it was. The (i) designation
means “speed”, as in the time it will take her
to unload this “keeper”. And I was hoping I’d
get to see it next weekend in Washington. Never have seen one
of these in person – sober. George Graiche was wearing
one at dinner in SFO. He told me it was the best one that IWC
ever made. Said he never had to wind it. It was like it produced
its own power somehow. He seemed a little frightened of it. Stephanie,
at least keep it for one more week!

In closing, I’d like to ask you all to
back off of Richard Paige and let him run his website. All of
this censorship crap you’ve been whining about is a lot like
houseguests who have stayed so long they are starting to complain
about the food. Ok, so Richard is out to control the distribution
of watch knowledge throughout North and South America. So what?
That only involves about 2 – 300 people. Hardly enough to interest
the State Department. He did buy that black attack helicopter
from John Raba in order to transport James Brown
records to Seattle, but none of you were gonna help him get them
there. Ok, so he did hire Mike Disher, a well-known (in
some circles) litigator, as a Contest Moderator to do more around-the-clock

And come to think of it, you can’t even
get into Watch School without a password! What’s that
all about? And everyone knows there’s a reason he only buys 49
of any special TimeZone watch. 49 as I recall, is the secret
code of the Swiss watch industry to designate those members believed
to have special influence over large numbers of people. And,
as you would rightly deduce, there are only 49 members in this
highly secretive organization. Add to that the fact that two
of our newest Forum Moderators just happen to live in
Florida (oh, what a coincidence that must be) and you
have a situation that I find more and more frightening by the
hour. I know for a fact, as Jaeger pointed out, that a
black helicopter was indeed overhead the day ei8thohms
posted his Minerva watch review. Great watch, right? It’s
already back- at- the- factory. Think about that for a damn minute.
And what is he wearing now? A borrowed TZ RGM. And how
many of those were made? 49! Ooh. Gives me cold chills just to
think about it. And who loaned him the watch? I won’t say. And
here’s why. They are expecting member # 4, in Stuttgart, to pass
away any day now and I’m next on the list for membership. You
see, I just love James Brown ! OOWW!

“Who is that guy?”
That’s a Wrap folks. But whatever
you do, don’t tell anybody!


All photos courtesy of PhotoShop
Wizard: Christian Veltman

T-Bone and Speener Productions

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