The TimeZone New Millenium

Ok you Watch Weenies©, it’s all over
but the blackouts. The catastrophic crippling that will end social
order as we know it is but hours away. Months will pass before
we are back together with a credit system that will support our
watch habits. That last new watch you bought? It’ll be vintage
by the time you figure out how (or why) to buy another. For the
first time in 100 years you just might actually need to know
what time it is. Looters and bandits tend to keep to strict schedules.
I don’t know why, so don’t be asking. Since your only form of
currency for a long time to come will be things of use to others,
here is a conversion chart for what your watches will most likely
be worth:



Typical Conversion



34 lbs. of meat; 1 case of ammo



12 kilos of chocolate; 1cigar cutter



24 batteries; 9 pairs socks



The Branch Dividian Compound


Gold (Auf and Aub)

28 pocket knives; 42 Bratwurst



18 boat shoes; 24 condoms (XL)



1 cup of coffee* (*plus $14.50)

See? Your watches are worth more
than you think. I just hope Andrew Crewe owns some
watch by midnight so he doesn’t have to count on those old golf
clubs for subsistence. I’ve never known anyone beaten silly with
their own watch. My God man, think of your family. Hunker down
people. I’m telling you, it ain’t gonna be pretty. Your best
bet is to find someone with a Rolex and stick close by. If things
get really bad, come on out to the Compound. I’ll build
a fire!

I haven’t
done a Wrap-Up in a while because I’ve been waiting for my contract
from Ashford.Who? I am pleased to announce that I am STILL
waiting. This is a good sign. This says to me that I have not
been categorically dismissed. This tells me that I might not
have to go write for another watch site. This tells me Kenny
is a stand-up guy. This tells me that a fool
blinded by hope waves off the rescue boat. I feel certain this
will be resolved very soon. Don’t you? Until this does
get resolved, I’ve had to take financial matters into my own
hands and recruit my own sponsors. Screw those lawyers at Ashford.Who?
I guess old Kurtzenweenie ain’t really running things
afterall. Hey Kenny! I’ve got your coupon hangin’ buddy!

Please join
me now in welcoming my first BIG sponsor:

This week’s Wrap-Up is brought to you by:


Celebrating Better Horology through Agriculture®


Big Tobacco© Iron
Lung Division wishes you a Happy New Year!
“Don’t just stand there and watch
our tobacco industry become decimated by liberal, right wing,
neo-conservatives! Get out and SMOKE! CHEW! DIP! EXPECTORATE!
Why kill tobacco while carbon
monoxide drains the oxygen from our cities and destroys our ozone
layer? Why stand by while Big Business erects one poisonous
battery factory after another to support cheap quartz watches?
Are you crazy? (rhetorical question) Are you crazy? (actual question).
CELEBRATE! REJOICE! We have the finest tobacco coming
out of the ground today! Contact your congressperson. Make it
illegal NOT to use tobacco products. If you need to feel a part
of something, then go find a real cause!

Need a good
cause to attach yourself to? Then may I suggest the

7750® CLUB!

Sign up before 1-31 and
receive an Omega No-Axial Escapement Limited Edition (limited
by the El Cheapo Venus-derived 7750)!!! Hurry! Offer good for
a limited time. The 7750! The number we produce per day!

As you know, I like to occasionally select
one TimeZoner, at random, for my

TimeZone Interview©

This week I have selected chris russell.
chris hails from california and works in a profession which obviously
affords him a great deal of time to do nothing but hang out at
TimeZone. There are efforts underway at Ashford.Who?,
as we speak, to find chris something to keep him busy. While
selected purely at random, I feel his insight into today’s
key horological issues will be most enlightening and educational.

WU: Hi
chris. Welcome to the TimeZone Wrap-Up Interview©.

Cr: Gee, thanks! It’s an honor to be
selected. Right?

WU: Yeah
right. Let’s start by setting the record straight. You &
I are not related in any manner are we?

Cr: No we are not. Why do you ask?

WU: Thank you chris. It has indeed been
a pleasure!

Y2K Tip© #1

– When selecting weapons for
the new Millenium, be sure and choose wisely. Having too many
is confusing, too few, dangerous. The TimeZone Suggested Weapons
Inventory© is shown here and has been approved by the Ashford.who?
Armaments Site. If you act quickly, that Kurtzenkracker guy will
give you a 15% coupon applicable towards the future purchase
of a fragrance of your choice! Future? What future? In less than
24 hours, we’re TOAST!

“Is that you Tucker?
You ok?” “Drinkin’ again?” “Somebody get
Buyoff over here and straighten this mess out!”
You may not realize it but some of
our own here in the Zone have been heavily involved in testing
for Y2K and none played a more important role than Ol’ CrewDog
himself. Asked to personally test one of the Navy’s most sophisticated
aircraft – primarily because no one else would do it – The Dog
was honored to serve his country, and wasted no time getting
out to the airfield. Here we see him testing the new Top Secret
Docking System
to be installed on all naval aircraft within
the next 90 days. Seems the Navy has found a need to transport
Chevy Luminas around on short



“Hey Baron, that’s
one Y2K ass you got there!”
Another Zoner heavily involved in
Y2K testing has been that Baron guy. You know, the one
that slaps you upside your collective heads everytime you start
thinking he’s human. The guy who feeds crippled children pancakes
down at IHOP. You know, that Harkononian guy. Here we
see him testing farm animals down in Florida. Upon further investigation,
we learned that Baron, pictured at right, was trying to get out
of Pensacola with a bootleg copy of the TimeZone Watch School
, which he intended to sell to a cult group
affiliated with Rolex. Had he not had his Ass jacked up so high
in the air, he might have gotten away with it.



One of the finest Y2K-ready
cars on the road today!

Y2K Tip© #2

– Make certain you have plenty
of gasoline for your car so that you will be able to drive over
to Mike Margolis’ house and eat. He’s stockpiled so much
food, water and ammo that it’s likely to be the only safe place
on the East Coast. For those of you west of the Mississippi River,
I’d suggest you head on over to Walt Odets’ house. At
the very least you can get your movement reviewed, and, if you’re
really lucky, chris russell just might be on hand to tell
you what a Y2K doofus you really are! Michael
will definitely be there with one of his famous
Rumors, and if RP@TZ doesn’t show wearing
a Halter-Barnes, I’ll personally drive out and make you all a
Spam© sandwich.



“I predicted this

-HZ, 1999
Our dear friend Hans Zbinden
(hardly a Y2K compliant name) courageously reviewed his 1999
and scored himself on how well he did. He scored
a 7, by the way. Not bad for a guy who lives so close to the
watch industry as to be overly influenced by it. Those of us
who enjoy a perspective borne out of distance are far better
able to divine the future of haute horology, and to prove it,
here are the
Wrap-Up Predictions©
for the
Year 2000:

  • New movement development will be dropped
    altogether. Producers will take the Rolex route and decide
    that profit, in the face of strong demand, will take precedence
    over progress. Lange will take to reconfiguring existing
    movements, but they might put the decimal place in a different
    spot just to fool us. The L951.1 might just become the L9.52.2.1,
    adding several thousands of dollars to the price of the watch.

  • Franck Muller
    will drop the “c” in his first name and add an additional
    “a”. This will insure a more uniform pronunciation
    of his name and hopefully end the geographical confusion with
    Frank Miller, a guy who puts ETAs inside of ceramic figurines,
    sold through the Home Shopping Network.

  • Platinum
    will finally fall to earth as an ordinary metal once that stupid
    story about it is discredited. You know the one, where all of
    the platinum ever mined will fit into the trunk of a Fiat Punto.
    Give me a break. When I built my house, they had to haul tons
    of this crap off before I could pour a foundation.

  • Michael Friedberg
    will be sued by IWC in Schaffhausen for unwittingly leaking
    their trade secrets to the competition. His inside contact will
    rat him out and then be rewarded with a big promotion, driving
    Michael Sarp back and forth to Glashutte (

    this could just be a rumor


  • Watch sizes will shrink. By year-end,
    20mm will be considered large. Anything larger and the cognoscenti
    will declare you un-hip. What will get larger are
    reading glasses, and pocket monocles will be all the rage. If
    you happen to own a 40mm platinum watch, you best be unloading
    that sucker soon.

  • TimeZoners
    will proliferate at such an alarming rate that the watch industry
    will call for governmental controls. It will hardly matter, as
    the life of any single post will be lucky to exceed 10 minutes.
    If you are going to attempt making a meaningful post in 2000,
    you had better do it quickly.

  • Ray’s wife
    will beat him silly during 1Qtr of Y2K. She’s had it and now
    so has he. Ray? You want a Nardin? You love that Mark XII? Just
    keep in mind that women will continue to be the winners in all
    matters involving property settlements.

Assuming we do find a way to restore social
order and get power back on, we will review these predictions
next year and marvel at their accuracy. We might even have a
real Millenium celebration!

Y2K Tip© #3

– Once you are forced to abandon
your homes, thus seeking shelter in the forest, be aware that
Nature is full of surprises. And remember, the animals were there
first and you are now in their home.

Taking a page from William Massena,
who took a page from Time Flies, here’s my page containing
the Nine Things I Know About Watches:

  1. Free-sprung balances are neither free
    nor sprung.

  2. People able to afford $50k watches aren’t
    any smarter than those who can’t – or at least they don’t act
    any smarter in public.

  3. People who leave their watches “crown
    down” at night should be observed closely.

  4. People who wear their watches to bed aren’t
    having sex on a regular basis.

  5. People who are having sex on a regular
    basis don’t wear their watches to bed.

  6. People who wear their watches during sex,
    don’t need watch winders.

  7. The folks at Rolex laugh about their bracelets.
  8. Patek, Lange and Rolex are like golf balls.
    The same company makes them all. As a matter of fact, Dunlop
    makes everything except cars.

  9. The little doo-hickey that holds the what-cha-ma-call-it
    in line with the thing-a-ma-jig, is one of the most difficult
    parts to make in a watch.

Figure 1

Y2K Tip© #4

– Hygiene will be an issue once
all social systems shutdown. Please make every effort to keep
yourselves and your environment as clean as possible. In Figure
, we see a group of TimeZoners demonstrating the proper
method for bathing, and in Figure 2, we see Lizzie
and Neptune. Mr. Elephant Man is believed to be Mike
, but we couldn’t confirm this at press time. In any
case, Figure 2 shows what can happen in the New Millenium if
one allows their personal hygiene to become compromised.

Figure 2

So there you have it. The TimeZone Millenium
(not really) Wrap-Up®

You probably won’t even be able to read this as power grids start
failing the world over. But don’t worry. There’ll be other generations
to pick up where we left off. I see a day when our offspring
will talk about us with reverence and respect and carry forward
our horological crusades. Richard Paige, burn the archives!

One thing for certain, the following
will remain true in the New Millenium:

That’s a wrap, you Weenies©. Not a
full conclusion, but your only shot at survival!

Happy New Year !!