TimeZone Wrap-Up
Week 10.4.99

“Excuse me. I just
popped in to collect a Urhen specimen”
I hate to say this, but there are
too damn many people on TimeZone these days. Too many
new people. They come and go. They use funny names. They confuse
us, then they leave. They ask too many questions. What is it
with all of the questions? One more Omega

* question
and I’ll probably seizure. Listen. Omega has gone out of business.
No more watches. Zippo. Nada. No need to ever mention the name
again. The Omega Forum? Forgetaboutit. The name is purely coincidental.
Got nothing to do with what used to be a watch. Titoni?
Now there’s a watch! The Titoni Forum is 4 URL’s down
on your left. Here’s your hat. What’s your hurry? It was nice
meeting you. Wish you could staaayy!

Ok. Ok. Here’s my damn problem:

Two weeks ago three guys started a string about Titoni Watches.
I’d never heard of them or the watch. Now these three guys are
gone and I’m stuck with a bunch of crappy Titoni watches. I got
the whole set. I’ll trade ’em for a Patch© though
if anyone is interested. Send me a non-commercial

I might be mistaken about Omega.

I do learn something occasionally from
some of you and I really hate to admit it. A little piece of
me dies every time I have to admit I don’t know something. Just
the other day Ray Hull enlightened us on how to scroll
through the TZ screens. Seems it is possible to do this using
your “mouse”! Damn! I’ve been using the Scroll
button all this time and I could have been using a mouse? I can’t
find “mouse” in DOS! What’s a mouse? Send me a

weeks ago I shared with you my activities over the summer. No
responses. Ed stuck that Wrap-Up under your collective
noses 3 times. Even Richard Paige implored you to post
a follow-up, but noooo, you just ignored the whole thing. Even
you Whiners© didn’t post a follow-up. It used to
be “Do a Wrap-Up, do a Wrap-Up, please do a Wrap-Up!”
Mike Disher posted a follow-up but only because RP
told him to. So now I know. It’s not me that you are interested
in, it’s yourselves. I’m just a tool; a mirror, if you will,
to hold up so that you egocentric Weenies© can see
your names in print and feel important. If I’m mistaken here,
send me a non-commercial

Let’s see. Who gets trashed first this
week? Since he’s already been mentioned, I’ll take Mike Disher
for $200
. The answer is: “Damned if I know“.
And the question is: “How

“What is ‘Mike Disher’?”
many WIS pins does this guy have?”
We have got to get these WIS pins away from Disher
before he drives me absolutely crazy with these insidious contests.
What’s with all the damn contests anyway? They’ve spread like
VD to every forum on TZ and you can’t log on without another
“LOOKY, LOOKY. CONTEST TIME!!!” hitting you
in the face! I’ll tell you how bad it is. I’ve never even won
a damn contest and I still have 1247 WIS pins. I don’t even know
where they come from. They just show up. I refuse a package from
the U.S. Postal Service and it comes back the next day Fed Ex,
or UPS. God only knows what would happen if I ever WON one of
these Mensa events. I’ve got WIS pins stuck everywhere. They
cover my refrigerator. They cover my furniture. There’s so much
metal in my house now that AWAC planes flying overhead go on
alert. Now I’m being watched. By the Government! You are killin’
me Dish! Hey! I know. Let’s have a “How many more contests
will it take to kill Russell” Contest.
The winner gets
200 WIS pins, compliments of T-Bone. Just send me you
address in a non-commercial

It’s time once again for my periodic column
where I enlighten you on the delicate intricacies of watchmaking,
introduce you to the finest movements, show you the latest tools
and explain to you in general just how damn smart I am.

That’s right. It’s time for:

The Whorologium

An automatic movement was first introduced
by Omega in 1943. It didn’t have a rotor. They dicked
around with this thing until 1955. I was born in 1954. Spooky.
If they could have held off just a few years, we wouldn’t be
arguing about Rolex now (the subject of a future Whorologium©).
So, with the advent of the rotor, the watch industry spun itself
around, and spawned great men of whorological proportions. Men
like Rene’ Lamboux, Pierre Genassa, and George Daniels. The first
two men disappeared mysteriously while on a trip to London. Draw
your own conclusions. I’m just here to talk about watches!


red arrows
Here we have what is believed to be
the very first rotor. Notice the anglage, perlage,
and guillage. Guillage was quickly dropped as a finishing
technique since it was very difficult to explain to people and
impossible to see. Also pictured are early rotor weights for
planetary compensation (
red arrows
). Even today, these
are considered to be

“the finest planetary weights ever to come out of
– t.russell

The key to any good Whorologium©
piece would be photos. I’m using photos taken with a camera.
Camera photography is indispensable to the whorologist, be they
amateur or professional. Some people don’t know this.


The red
arrows indicate areas where the operators should not place their
heads (see
Next, we must understand rotor manufacturing
techniques. It is not enough to just hack a rotor out of a suitable
metal. No, the machinery used must be big. Damn big. And
heavy. For those of you who might have been married three times
and still have the same in-laws, here is what we watchmakers
are really referring to:

This is the Lanco Rotor-Matic. Lanco
claims to have invented screw machines and at one time made watches.
They failed miserably at both. This model, the No.1, often
crashed through wooden factory floors, injuring thousands of
unsuspecting employees.

Companies soon relocated their rotor departments to the ground
floor. This early machine was capable of producing about 10 handmade
rotors per hour. They remain in use today and are quite coveted
by the Industry. “The finest rotors coming out of
Switzerland today are made on the No. 1.”
– t.russell


The race
to develop rotors was so heated, that employees often made themselves
vomit on the streets. (See

red arrows


The original
rotor extractor
So, what were the watchmakers to do?
Here they were on the eve of an epiphany and
primary concern was hoarding Elgin Oil. Hans
, who at one time saw Helen on the side, saw
great potential in the rotor but knew the problems awaiting watchmakers
the world over. What to do? What to do? Mr. Wilsdorf called in
his chief toolmaker and together they developed the first rotor
extractor. The rest is marketing history and the sole reason
why an $800 watch now costs $5000. This is still “the
finest rotor extractor coming out of Switzerland today”

– t.russell

The rotor is the most unique of any part
in an automatic movement, for it can not be found in any other
type of watch. In conclusion, I would have to say that the rotor
is a masterpiece of whorology and capable of producing powerful
margins for those companies who employ its design. How else does
one explain the cost of such watches as the MullyFrancker
? I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to agree with
myself when I say that “the rotor is the finest watch
part coming out of Switzerland today”

(Stay tuned for the next installment when
we examine the most effective whorological use of

red arrows!

I was glad to have it finally sink in this
week that we are all hanging out in Richard Paige’s “Living
and, therefore, we have to respect his “House

I don’t have any problem with this whatsoever.
I just hope he keeps his “Bedroom” door closed
so we don’t have to see him “booting” up his hard drive.
A little non-commercial decorum, please! And if Susan
manages to find that vibrating alarm watch she’s
been looking for, I don’t want to be around when eyes start rolling
into the back of anyone’s head. I already feel like a voyeur.
I saw this just the other day in RP’s “Kitchen”:

RP: “Honey,
what’s hard as blue steel and hot like a pipe?”

Mrs. RP:
“Touch me with that iron and I’ll be flushing your Viagra
down the loo”!

RP: “Honey,
I love you! “

Mrs. RP:
“Bite me”


Have you been there? Have you seen it?
My god man, The Clock Forum©. It’s now had its “soft”
opening and is ready for the crowds. It’s the only place on the
net where you, yes you, can see a SinclairLewis GeorgeHarrison
MoonPie SeaClock©

You need to get your entire a$$ on over there now before enrollment
closes. Hear the whole story. Marvel at the insight and
weep at the beauty. Smell the clock oil and feel the pathos.
Pack a damn lunch and bring a friend. The Clock Forum©.
TimeZone’s first and only non-commercially viable Clock community.
They love it over there! I love it over there! You’ll love it

“One year of life
on TimeZone is the equivalent of me having already died of old
age” – Doggie

courtesy (I hope) of Doggie’s owner

Oil is, however, good for your feet
You people kill me. In your efforts
to impress one another with your worldliness and sophistication,
you will bring up damn near any subject except watches (see Clock
). You rarely show any expertise at all about the very
thing that brings us all here because you know you will get caught
by those of us who are truly experts in horology. But mention
something like OLIVE OIL and you all come out of the woodwork.
“Oh, I use DeLorto’s Olio de Moscanari and it costs
$75.00 per ounce”
Listen people. Let me tell you
about Olive Oil. Olive Oil will kill you. It will kill you
dead. Morto Uno!
People have been dying in Italy, Iran, and
Greece for centuries. Look it up. They make olive oil now in
California and the obituaries are full everyday. Pick up a newspaper
and someone else just died. Leave the stuff alone. Everyone
in America is already FAT. Look around. It ain’t the Olive Oil.
Olive Oil will kill you DEAD. (

paid advertisment by the Animal Fats Institute



I’ve got your Digit hangin’ “
Aran K.
finally got fed up with all of you last week. His “One
year on”
post summed the situation up perfectly, if
you ask me. His is a digital world where the anachronisms
of the past have no place in the present and the future only
serves to grip him with fear. To him it’s not a matter of whose
watch is best, but whether or not we can co-exist without balance
wheels and hairsprings. Listen up Aran. You obviously got lost
on your way to another website. Proceed immediately to the nearest
search engine and type in the word “confused”,
hit the enter key, and sit back. You will be magically transported
to a world where TimeZoners no longer exist. Before you go though,
how about clicking on one of the banner ads in support of the
advertisers. While you may be gone to a better place, the rest
of us have to eat.

The Medical Cause of ScanDay©


Richard’s Brain before ScanDay.
Normal synapse tissue and blood flow to the frontal cortex. Viagra


Richard’s Brain after thinking up ScanDay.
Distended medulla oblongata. A classic case of Halter-Barnes

No known cure.


This just in from David Allen. One
of our own has met with the functional side of law enforcement
and needs your help. While you know this individual only
by his “screen” name, which I must protect for moral
reasons, please open your hearts and wallets in order that we
might help him put his life back together.

Please make your checks payable to: “The
TimeZone Underwear Fund”, c/o SKW
. Hang in there DON,
I mean Man, and we will have you cleared in no time! Canadians!

I’m a
guttin’those watches, same as guttin’a fish, do do do do do
It pleases me a great deal to close
this week by announcing the Grand Opening of John Davis’
new business:

Watch Repair
Bait Shop©

Founded on the eve of the New Millenium,
Ohmie’s is ready to meet your needs well into the next century.
Fully certified on Omega, Rolex, night crawlers, JLC, bloodworms,
Breitling, Minerva and minnows, Ohmie’s is your one-stop shop.
Right across Van Ness to Mission. You can’t miss it.

“You can’t beat ’em if you can’t eat

Ohmie’s. Because there’s
always time!

That’s a Wrap folks. Not a fish wrap, but
a non-commercial service.


T-Bone and Speener

Copyright © this! 1999