We should restore the practice of dueling. It might improve
manners around here.

— Edward Abbey

Things got a little crazy
Wednesday when Nr.6, dl, John Toh, and Newman took things into
their own hands. That’s Ed & me on the left, regaining control
of the Forum. Judge Crater, seen here between us, took a bullet
trying to “Patch” things up! His last words were “Hey,
wanna buy a…..(ka-poww!)…”

Week 5/3/1999

Richard Paige
leaves for one week and look what you do. You can’t get along,
you call each other names, you get all up in arms about a few
procedural changes and start pulling your posts out of the archives,
and just generally embarrass those who work so hard to bring
you quality watch information, such as myself. Well listen up
people. If it’s come down to having to bribe you with prizes
in order to get you to contribute something worthwhile, then
you just better go on out and find yourself another person to
write the Wrap-Up. I will be in BIG trouble if
I have to meet some minimum quality standard in
order to participate in this forum! I don’t care if you all
change your name from boB to Bob, it’s still just bOb to me.

“Listen. We’re going
to fix this thing. We’re going to make it right. Look, there
goes a naked woman. I’ve got to go”

Things got a little sideways this
week when TimeZone delivered the new “Rules of
for our review. I don’t know about the rest of
the world, but in the U.S. we call this type of reaction “The
Sh*t hitting the fan”!
In Mexico, I think it is
“Dos Equis Esteban, no aqui”. In Switzerland
it must be ” J’ai avalé ma préférée
and of course, in Portuguese it is,
Meu relógio explodiuem minhas calças”

Here we see Jaeger trying to explain copyright law to
the folks in the Rolex forum which, as you might imagine,
was damn near impossible. If you look closely at the person directly
under Jaeger’s right hand you will see one of the first Sales
transactions ever photographed
slips a Daytona off the wrist off C. Veltman during the
proceedings. You people crack me up.

“There he goes! He
was a good man. Hey, wait a minute! The SOB took my watch! Hey,
come back here you no flyin’ Tango Golfin’ flap jockey!

We got some real good news Thursday
as Time Flies requested instructions for final approach
back into TZ airspace. Ok, so he “busted the minimums”
a little and scared a few chickens, but what the hell. He’s a
pilot ain’t he? At least he was wearing the new Breitling
Experimental Fixed Wing Chronomat.
You would have thought
Lindbergh was landing in Paris. Welcome back old friend. You
have been missed!

Here is the #1 reason I don’t fly airplanes

“Leesburg FFS, I would like to
File VFR, November 638 Golf Tango, experimental/Lancair 360,
BCB direct TZ, departing BCB at 1600Z, fuel on board enough :),
destination – Time Zone, Marin county California, one on board,
pilot Time Flies, information on file at BCB, color purple and
white, request standard briefing including NOTAMS, SIGMETs and
…..” Time Flies,

Here is the #1 reason I don’t drive
18-wheel trucks:

“Breaker, breaker one nine good
buddy, got your ears on? Over. Cartin’ this hog down 421 on a
ten-0-two, looking for a L.A. turnaround and a Lucky Strike.
I’ve just passed gas at ramp one-eighteen, heading southbound
with the long, tall dogs. Over. Roll ’em on back good buddy and
shoot a beam on that beaver. I’m ten four back at ya and sliding
on out.

“Oooh, Oooh, lower,
lower, no lower, MUCH lower, Oooh, Oooh, That’s it. Oh yeah,
Oooh, Oooh! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!


Richard Paige, 5/6/99

This just in from the Minerva Forum:
Phil Stover is back with us after his little “fire
incident” down in Florida last month. He’s about 95% and
has even been to California for rehabilitation. While there,
he stopped in at Rafael Jewelers – Paris1925 and met Tony
and the gang. Phil will soon be wearing watches again and joining
us fulltime on TimeZone. Welcome back Phil and we hope the rest
of those bandages come off soon! Phil can be seen here with his
therapist receiving a sponge bath!



“If this ever gets
out, we’ll be ruined on TimeZone”, Mike says to Tom. “Nah,
we’ll be OK. I’ve got this thing.” “Uhmm. Ooooh “
“What’s the matter?” I’ve got a hole in my pocket”

Let’s straighten something out once and
for all. Is Tom Margulies any relation to Mike Margolis?
That is THE question of late on everyone’s mind.
It has been haunting us for weeks now and I could leave this
issue alone no longer. After extensive (and yes, thorough) research,
I found a website (www.Marg*.*.com
) that led me right to the proof I needed to show, without a
shadow of a doubt, that these two men are in fact related. I
think it was cute the way they played with us on this: “You’ll
have to ask Mike”
, Tom would say. “You’ll have
to ask Tom”
, Mike would reply. Well, we don’t have
to ask anyone anymore! Here is all the proof we need.

We pause now for a brief commercial

I’m coming your way, to save
the day, Buffalo dung wipes right away. If a scratch you find,
you will not frown, just polish your knob till the sun goes down!
JUDGE CRATER’S POLISH PATCH tm. The best patch polish you can
possibly pick.
Paid Advertisement

“Buoa sera. I miei
biancheria intima
sono attaccati in mia crepa di estremità”
(Translation: “Good evening. My shorts are stuck in my butt-crack”)

We heard from the “Fa Gra
man yesterday while he was in Florence visiting Franco.
Sounds as though he was having a great time, and according to
a personal e-mail he sent me, the ladies in Florence are as beautiful
as the city itself. Now I wouldn’t necessarily call Foie
the most charming person I’ve never met, but he does a
pretty mean impression of a rich guy from Idaho whose family
once owned the mineral rights to New York City but whose misfortune
during the Depression caused them all to have to go out and get
real jobs. Women eat this stuff up and take pity on him
and give him large donations to all of his charitable “foundations”.
Here we see him asking for a few Liras to buy himself a Panerai.
The Duomo in Florence is such a lovely place to panhandle this
time of year! Notice the Polish Patch


being passed around the crowd.

Speaking of the Polish Patch
, let us hear once again from this week’s sponsor
of the TimeZone Wrap-Up………

“This is much better
than Amway. With Amway, you actually have to work at it”
Judge Crater addressing his franchisees, April 16, 1999

Paid Advertisement

I be the Judge, You be the Jury,
The Polish Patch works fine without no fury. From off of my head
comes the secret of shine, rub your stuff on my Patch and you’re
A*S will be mine!

My weekly Editorial Comment

I’m glad to report that the “Shoe”
thing finally appears to be behind us and there wasn’t a lot
of discussion this week regarding “Lisa”. There
also hasn’t been the quality of information I would have expected
from Basel this year, especially in light of the
distinguished group of TimeZoners that attended. I have reported
what I could but since I did not attend this year, everything
I’ve written has been made up. Who needs fiction when the facts
must be out there somewhere! All we have heard so far is that
the Lange Datograph and Moonphase require
second mortgages, IWC is discontinuing the Mark XII and
replacing it with the Eta based XV, and…, come to
think of it, that’s about all. Nothing substantial has been offered
up on the many other fine watches we all love and own. There
was “squat” on Patek, JLC, and others. The only
watch shown on the JLC forum, was a newsprint photo of
a new Reverso. If it weren’t for Hans Zbinden,
we would not even have had that. This is pretty sad. We send
all of you there to learn something and report back, and you
hardly even remember being there. In the meantime, we are stuck
at home with our same old watches, and forum issues that blatantly
border on the weird. Next year you stay home, and we’ll go.

“Judge, your wife
called. She knows all about us. I told her everything. You promised
me Judge. You said if the business took off, then so could we.
Don’t go trying to Patch things up. You’ve already been shot
once, my love”

Speaking of weird, I find that there is
nothing better, after one of my poignant Editorial Comments,
than a nice refreshing Judge Crater’s POLISH PATCH tm. You can’t
just get these anywhere. You must go directly to the source.
Judge Crater’s POLISH PATCH. Call them now. Call them often.
Call them while they still have a phone!

In case you missed it this week, we learned
why engineers are never allowed to serve on juries.
They don’t think straight. They think they know it all. They
have no reasoning ability. They miss the point and they are responsible
for things such as this:

EVANS VACUUM CAP CO. , a Div of Judge Crater’s POLISH PATCH,


That’s a Wrap, folks. Not a scratched wrap,
but an effort to get a Patch!