Week 6/1/1999


According to Davis147, I was
“sucking the right tit “
last week! Now, lest
anyone find this udderly offensive, let me explain
that this is a British “local expression”, the origins
of which I have absolutely no idea. I’m not even sure if
this meant that I was sucking the correct tit or the one
opposite the left tit. I’m equally unsure what they
even mean by tit. You know how the Brits are. They give
a lot of things “funny” names. They live in “flats”,
they use the “loo”, they can often be found
setting on their arse, and they “ring”
one another up on the phone. While Davis147 may come across as
somewhat “jammy”, I doubt he’s a true “wanker”
based on the size of his “willie”. But he will
“bonk” in the “boot” as long
as he has a “nappie” and a “quid”
to “give it some wellie”. Hell, as far as I
know, sucking the right tit might have meant that I just simply
sucked. As only Mad Dogs and Englishmen understand such things,
I’ll just take it as a compliment and go on. Strange that
such folks would actually call timepieces “watches”!

Site of Jaeger’s “Intellectual Property” Practice

A good $5.00 shirt for
the man with a $15,000 watch

Speaking of hot (yes, I just was), I got
an e-mail from Jaeger Wednesday and he was holed up in
a cheap motel in Arizona. What do you lawyers actually do for
a living?

Lay around cheap motels asking about
dress shirts? At $400.00/hr? Now I know I should have
accepted that scholarship to Wake Forest Law School afterall!
And to think I actually have to get up each day and be productive!
Damn. I had contacted Jaeger about – now get this – SKW.
After all of the thousands of comments about SKW that have clogged
up TimeZone, I had to go solicit an opinion because I never paid
attention. Oh sure, I homed in on the Nigerian thing and the
underwear issue was quite interesting, but I never thought I’d
seriously consider them as a watch source. However, a particular
watch has made it to the top of my “short list” and
I can’t find anyone who can touch their prices. Whadda ya
think? Should I or shouldn’t I. Now that’s a legal
question if there ever was one!

“Richard, I used
to know your Daddy. Go ahead. Hit me in the stomach again”
– WP

Richard Paige
continues to amaze and amuse with his funky “TimeZone
wherein he shares deep horological insight
through the eyes of some industry expert. I am convinced this
guy will interview anybody as long as they tell him how much
they think TimeZone will change the world. Here’s
a recap of one of his most recent interviews:

Tell us a little about your company.

WP: Well, basically we make cheap crap.

RP: That’s great. I understand you have a long,
distinguished history.

WP: That’s correct. We have been making cheap
crap since 1897.

RP: Wow! That’s incredible.

WP: That’s right!

RP: How do you see the future of watches?

WP: Well for us, we’ll just continue to make
even more cheap crap.

RP: Now that’s exciting!

WP: That’s right!

RP: Tell us, what do you think of TimeZone?

WP: TimeZone will change the world.

RP: That’s wonderful. You are one of my favorite
watch companies.

WP: That’s right!

RP: I’ll take 49 cheap, crappy quartz units today!

WP: That’s right!

those interviews coming Richard! Only on TimeZone!

Speaking of interviews, if any of you happen
to take the Orient Express from Paris to Istanbul next
month, please look for the article about Patek Philippe
in their internal publication, Le Orient Express.
Therein you will be treated to a level of horological profundity
that only Tom Margulies and I could provide. The
article itself has been written in the superb hand of none other
than our own Watchbore himself, with heart-rending insights
from Tom & I. Tom is described as an esteemed Doctor enjoying
an illustrious career and I’m characterized as a “factory
worker from North Carolina”; conjuring up images of dead
chickens in a hot and sweaty concrete block building with nothing
more than a bare light bulb and a knife in my hand. That ought
to warm the cockles of those hoity-toity types skirting across
the Venetian landscape sipping their Veuve-Clicquot


that’s pretty “spot on” actually. He did
leave out the part about me trading my grandma’s ’63 singlewide
mobile home for a down payment on my Patek. I thought
that was the best part. Old bitch. She was gonna set herself
on fire if she stayed there much longer anyway. That was one
mean “Throw Mama from the Train” old woman. Thanks
Watchbore. I really need those memories. Fame is often
a fleeting enigma. In my case, it’s a Fleets enema.

Peter Chong
took a tour of the Lange factory the other day and that’s
where we managed to find Hans Zbinden. That’s just
great Peter. After Hans tried to poison Ross’ baby, you
get him out of town. Take him to a watch factory. That would
be the last place I’d look, if I were looking for
any of you TimeZoners! What a clever cover.

“Gosh, we never thought to look
there. We did check a couple of plumbing supply houses in Munich,
but they hadn’t seen him”! And what’s with those
two designers in the photo? THEY designed all of those Lange
watches? Boy. Nuff said ’bout that. Good work you two! Somehow
I thought you’d be a lot….taller?

You might find this interesting. In one
of our silly surveys this week – “What’s your next watch
– there were 28 responses totaling $3.2
million dollars in estimated retail purchases. This from a group
of guys who don’t have a clue about where to buy a decent dress
shirt. Actually no one who responded to this survey posted on
the shirt survey, and vice versa. Just goes to show there’s a
little something on TZ for everyone. Can we not conclude from
this that those of you ignorant about shirts aren’t going to
buy another watch until you get this “shirt thing”
figured out? I thought so. I just want you all to do me one big
favor. Do NOT wear a tie with a short sleeve shirt. Don’t even
think about it. Please, don’t do it. Ok? Thanks.

“There are SMITHS everywhere I go”


I enjoyed Dennis A. Smith’s recant
of his visit to the Omega/NASA event held in Phoenix last
week. I do have to wonder what the “A.” stands
for though. General Thomas Stafford was there and according
to him “If those Smith people had not left when they
did, I would have trashed the whole damn store. They kept me
cornered for four hours, driving me crazy with all of that helicopter
talk. They even brought me a jar of Tang. No one drinks this
crap. I had to drink the whole damn jar before they would leave.
Peed all night long.

Omega, find yourself another flyboy
to do this
I quit. Real nice folks, though!





TimeZone Question of the Week: “Where are the Women?”

TimeZone Answer of the Week: “We don’t know. They never showed up”

This week’s surveys: (to be answered next week)

  • What’s your favorite watch and how accurate
    is it?

  • What car do you drive and what watch do
    you wear?

  • Is the concept of a lifetime watch flawed?
  • Which digital camera did Bo Hansen

  • Why would a nice German clockmaker sell
    Foie a clock?

  • Should a “Dress” watch have
    Arabic or Roman numerals?

  • How long will Hans Zbinden hide
    out in Bali?

  • Why did Tony at Paris1925 hire
    Richard’s ex-wife?

  • Why is Ludwig withholding information
    from the Lange Owners Group?

  • How does that Danny guy know so
    much about everything?

“If it’s good enough
for the Don then it’s damn sure good enough for you” – Don
A. de Sp.

This week’s SPAM AWARD goes
to ALANDO.de who, by an innocent oversight on my part,
ended up with all of your e-mail addresses. I really could not
be more sorry that this happened but many of you never receive
any e-mail and I thought you might at least enjoy hearing from
Alando. He’s a Don you know. Don Alando de Spamolla
to be exact and his family now owns Hormel de Morto Gato
in Venezuela.

Enjoy! Amigos!

I really have to go now. I’ll cover some
of the things I missed next time. Like PHIL BAKER DAY, the
Rolex Trials, Brandon being sued by Chatel Co., Richard’s
Las Vegas trip (I’m sure there will be an interview or two),
and why Stephanie is a woman trapped in a man’s forum.

“That’s a Wrap, folks.
Not a sandwich Wrap, but a whiff of something thicker” –

All photos Copyright ©
by whomever owns them

T-Bone and Speener Productions

Copyright © this! 1999