TZ – Week 6/21/1999

Payne Stewart’s reaction
when his drive busted the crystal out of a spectator’s Rolex!
OK, I’m back! Let’s Roll.

I’ve been very busy. Since we last Wrapped,
I’ve attended the U.S.Open Golf Tournament, I celebrated
Father’s Day, I went Yacht-ing (is a 32′ boat considered
a Yacht?), I finally saw the temperature moderate, I found myself
in the middle of 3-day rainstorm (on a boat, no less), and I
entered, and almost won, another TimeZone Contest©
(I would have won had any of my “friends” (other
than Hans Z) actually voted for my entry!).

I also held down my “day” job,
which often turns into my “evening” job, so that any
of you, who care to buy new cars, can have that privilege. As
it turns out, I’m a tooth on the cog in the wheel of the shaft
that drives the pinion on the gear in the motor of our Car Industry.
One false move on my part, and the economy is toast! But hey,
would you have it any other way?

And lastly,
but not leastly, I bought a new watch. A very rare and special
watch. A very large and beautiful watch. A very gold and enameled
watch. Yes, I think I almost bought the penultimate watch (actually,
once I buy my next watch, it will be). She’s an IWC 5251.
She’s the envy of the Kremlin and I call her “Lun-a-cy”.

The first thing on my agenda this week
is a comment about an earlier episode I dropped in on where things
degenerated into comments about race and sexual preferences.
This is not the place for such discussions and I don’t expect
this to ever come up again. If any of you happen to be
Thespians or Homosapiens then that’s
Ok with me, but we do not come here to discuss such things. There
are other websites that will meet your needs just fine.

This is a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”
issue and it stops right here. If you need a forum to
discuss these matters then please visit

! Have
I made myself clear? The “Energy Creature” definitely
rules you….

Click here…

“Proper attire is always
appreciated on the Lange Forum” -Davis147
Now, on to watches. The first
thing I need to know is this: Does anyone who has bought
a Lange in the last 6 months still actually own it?

I dropped by the Lange Forum one day last week – I like
to pop in on occasion and aggravate the hell out of ’em – and
everyone had sold their watch! Foie sold his because

he had two – why would you buy two of the
same watch? – Walt Odets had his up for sale at a website
– “redundant”, he said. Peter Chong gave
his away – saying something in the metal made him itch – and
then I find out that Richard Smith is scarfing these things
up at about $1000 a pop and promoting them on eBay as
the perfect “starter” watch. The only thing I can figure
is that these guys are “collectors”, and we all know
a collector can’t keep a watch longer than it takes to buy the
next one. I guess I need to stop flashing that Patek Philippe
around the forum. I think it spooks ’em!

I’m glad I wasn’t around much this past
week or so because of all of the Surveys. I think you
have all gone Survey crazy and it’s making me


But here are the surveys and the best responses:

  • Worst thing to ever happen to your
    watch Survey

    Lost it inside the neighbor

  • Which arm do you wear your watch
    on Survey

    The one not severed
    by farm equipment

  • Are we being too protective of our
    watches Survey

    – Huh?

  • How do you remove food from under
    your crystal Survey

    – Judge Crater’s Dremel

  • Share a watch shopping experience

    – My neighbor got pregnant!

  • Has the Sales Corner gone
    all to hell Survey

    – Yes, and we pay Top
    Dollar! (Selekt jewlers)

  • How do you feel about square
    watches Survey

    – They look best on Irene
    and her girlie-men

And the
of the


  • How many watch “collectors”
    does it take to keep a watch wound?

    – It depends on the method
    of shipment!

“I can’t see damn it!
I just can’t see. Do you really like my Rolex?”
In the Great Minds Think Alike
category, we had a delightful discussion about Lasik©
eye surgery and turns out Foie can now SEE. Perhaps that’s
why he bought two of the same watch. He couldn’t tell what he
was buying. Seems about 50 of you gave testimonials about your
newfound eyesight and only Norman Lefkowitz got the joke.
Stephanie whacked out so bad when she finally saw her
Rolex, she up and bought a new car. Now we know how that accident
happened out in California a few months back!

The TimeZone Lasik©
Surgery Ward

Post Op Lasik Center Softball
Team. Foie Gras, 5th from right. John Raba, 2nd from left. Not
pictured, Ray Charles and the June Taylor Dancers.

This is the only medical procedure I know
of that promotes its own T-shirt sales! Please visit
if interested.

“You can’t go wrong
with cats and rockets” -Rueben Lucius Goldberg,

Let’s talk about this Rube Goldberg
thing. Richard has a way of wrecking havoc on the Public
Forum with his well-intentioned attempts at improving
the group dynamic. What results though is yet another event in
which I come away empty handed. You’ll notice that the
other forums don’t let Richard hang around very much, and if
he pulled these stunts with those Lange boys, his server
would be back in Singapore in 24 hours.

As for the contest itself, any guitar
picking computer graphics geek
can spend hours programming
shockwave animations on his girlie-friend’s website, but
it takes real genius to do what I did in a mere 6.5 minutes.
I mean I had it all. I had a rocket – no one else
had a rocket. I had a cat – you can’t loose with
a cat. I had alarms. I had an undulating, pulsating, throbbing,
thoracic organ. I had one
>hot babe and I had
Hans! How do you loose with that combination? S-I-X and
one half minutes and I get 7 lousy votes. I will show
some mature humility and thank the following people who voted
for me:

I don’t know Karl but his judgement remains above reproach. I
say his vote was right on the Marx.

Even a busy game-show host took time to put his reputation in
Jeopardy and vote for clearly the best entry

– evidently beamed up by someone, he chose to break ranks and
yank the ‘ol Bone

dl – “Buttheaded”
by me 32 times, he turns his cheeks and votes his heart, knowing
that the best should win at any cost

– just 3 weeks ago I “burned him a new one” yet here
he is, willie in hand, stitching me up with his vote

Hans Zbinden
– One of our most respected, sucked in by his own
image, stood beside me until the very end, and finally

Ei8htohms – Even
the victor, too embarrassed to vote for himself, sucked
up the courage to vote for me, putting his own entry in peril,
and insuring a mention in the next TZ Wrap-Up! Now that’s
the mark of a true winner!

Congratulations Ohmie!!! Enjoy my
watch! Ok, nice job!

John Toh, in protest of alterations
made to the original rules of Golf – US Open, 1999
This whole “contest” thing
certainly brings out the best in most of you. Arguments
ensue, you exhibit extremely poor form by voting for yourselves,
and the lure of a free watch induces you to suffer your greed
upon one another. Was there any surprise that John Toh
protested the purity of form intended versus the results achieved?
It’s times like these that make me glad to be alive!

The Sales Corner© certainly
enjoyed its share of attention this week as you debated its purpose
and how it should best be managed. Seems many of you are convinced
that dealers should not be allowed to advertise
blankets – can’t say I’ve ever actually seen one for sale – and
I must admit that I’m a little tired of seeing those Selekt Jeweler
adds offering to buy anything, but they did give me a
pretty good price for an old set of Rolex tumblers with matching
coasters. I’m sure whatever Richard decides to do about this
issue will be ok, but what I’m really sick of is all of the “Please
remove BB#xxx” posts. Now that is something to FIX!!!

A typical day on the Sales
Corner©. Richard Paige looks on as the dealers (orange)
elbow out the collectors (blue). Is that our Stephanie? Where
are the blankets?

Anyone know where Jaeger is? I haven’t
seen hide nor hair of him since I caught him over in the Rolex
waxing on and on about that GMT he recently
purchased. Notice he didn’t bother to announce this on the Public
Forum? Now I don’t care which watch any of you buy, but
just don’t sneak around and do it! Here’s a guy who buys a Lange
, rates it an 85, then goes out and buys a Rolex. This conflicts
me mentally and contorts me physically.

My money on this deal is squarely with
Selekt Jewelers. Jaeger, better hurry!

An esteemed colleague of ours who shall remain
nameless has taken to confiding aspects of his personal life
with me. As much as I find this flattering, it has become a personal
burden in that I am not always clearly prepared to know what
best to tell him. He finds this note written by his wife recently
and he sent me a copy, asking what I might make of it. Not wanting
to recommend a course of action that would compromise their relationship,
I bring this problem to you, the Forum, for further analysis.
Please e-mail me if you have any ideas as to how I might help
these people. That’s what TimeZone is truly all about – helping
one another!

I hope you all have a great week. I hope
Stephanie slaps the sh*t out of that little soprano bitch.
I hope you forgive the absence of a ButtHead© Award
John Toh could have won it but he acknowledged his disruption
in time to redeem himself, his Watch Wars Trilogy was
a worthy contribution, and I am nothing if not forgiving. Jaeger
could have won it for sneaking around with those Rolex guys but
I don’t even know where he is. You have to be present to
The thousands of you who did NOT vote for
my wonderfully insightful Contest entry could have won it, but
your actions were just too stupid to reward. I think I might
just spend the next week or so over in the IWC Forum recuperating
from this whole ordeal. Those folks over there have a little
class and you don’t have to wear a tie!

That’s a Wap© you Weenies©! Not
a hot dog bun, but a big ‘ol piece of me!

T-Bone and Speener
Productions© Copyright This© 1999