Madame, I may be drunk,
but I know all about TimeZone, because I read Terry Russell’s
TZ Wrap-Up every Sunday morning with my breakfast.” –
Winston Churchill

Happy 4th of July – 1999

IN CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.




“We hold these truths to be self-evident,
that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their
Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are
Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness…”


Hi TimeZoners. Welcome to the
First Annual July 4th Wrap-Up

There will be music, dance, all of your
favorite foods regardless of nationality, and there will be free
beer until the fireworks run out around 10:00pm (or is that the
other way around?) But before we get started with the festivities,
let’s actually take a second of our precious time and at least
feel a slight twinge of appreciation for our collective lots
in life made better by that bunch of farmers, merchants and lawyers
who signed the above Declaration. Were it not for them, we just
might not be so happy nor have so much to celebrate. For our
non-American friends, perhaps you will feel some sense that the
freedom we all share today is cause enough for your own celebration.
At least the beer is free! Now, as Benjamin Franklin said
to Thomas Jefferson on that momentous occasion 223 years

“It’s been a long day Tom,

Let’s party!”


If any of you missed last week’s Wrap-Up©,
let me be the first to apologize.

Richard Paige© came right in behind
me and posted another of his insidious surveys that draw hundreds
of folks out of the woodwork who never otherwise post anything.
His “How did you first discover TimeZone”
query drew hundreds of responses and blew the Wrap-Up© straight
to the bottom of the Forum. It was available for your reading
pleasure all of about 22 minutes. But hey! That was plenty of
time for ol’ Frank T to read it and come unglued about
my inability to spell

Hay-Zeus H. Christ man, cut me some slack. I’m doing the best
I can, and while admittedly that ain’t saying much, I don’t see
you getting’ up off of your a*s to entertain these Watch Idiot
! I’m about to

my temper
dammit! (But I do encourage all of you to point out how I might
improve myself!) Thanks!

We had a death in the family this week,
or at least many of us hope we did. If we didn’t, I sure spent
a lot of “watch” money on this head stone.

Join me in a word of prayer that this issue
never resurrects itself again!

Memorial contributions can
be forwarded to me at the TZ Wrap-Up© headquarters. I’ll
see to it that the grass gets mowed, but I’m not responsible
for the pigeon poop!

Another similar issue rapidly reaching
aggravation proportions is the ubiquitous Patek vs Lange
controversy. Personally I like both houses, but the “Order
of the 3/4 Plate”
have taken it upon themselves to capture
the Calatrava Cross as the trophy of their crusade. If
it takes a 30-power microscope to determine the winner of this
debate, then perhaps we have moved a little too far left of center.
Just to be sure though I sent a sample of each watch out to an
independent laboratory, where cross sections were carefully examined
under a 300-power AFM scope. Surprisingly there were minimal
differences in characteristics observed at the molecular level.
The sample on the left is from a PP 240. Notice the calatravic
grain structure

with perfect symmetry. The Lange sample,
on the right, shows almost no grain structure at all, even at
this level of magnification; quite remarkable to those of us
schooled in sub-atomic metallurgy.

“Man, Peter can knock
down those strudels!

“Herr Wagner, how
about another one of those strudels? I dropped the last one somewhere”.
The one curiosity about the Lange
sample though was the “blob” like structure found on
the sample. Alarming at first, further study found this to be
a fructose-based simple sugar traced back to the factory on the
date Peter Chong and Hans Zbinden took their tour. Lange
has since instituted a new “No Food” policy
in the Manufactory. Had this been a schnitzel dropping, the effect
on the watch would have been disastrous.

In conclusion, there remains little doubt
that Lange is the marginally “better” of the two watches.
I suppose all future arguments will now have to be settled in
the auction houses of the new millennium. So, what do we talk
about now?!

“Buoa Sera. Would
you like to slap my monkey?”


“Quick! Here he comes.
Pretend to be dead”
I’ll tell you what we talk about now.
We talk about why a grown man would keep Sock Monkeys!
What’s THAT all about? Graiche tried to warn Foie
of the national Sock Monkey Recall but turns out Foie
imports his Sock Monkeys from offshore. Well, la de da
da. Imported Sock Monkeys. John Raba told me he
thinks Foie stuffs them in his swim trunks when he goes to the
beach. Others in Basel reported that Foie looked awfully
“swollen” during the Fair. It was also reported by
Franco that he thought he saw a monkey head pop out of
Foie’s fly during a visit to a public urinal in Florence, but
decided he was imagining things.

In the 18 months I have been a member of
the TimeZone community, I have seen this man buy and sell 132
watches, but I have yet to see one damn Sock Monkey on the Sales
. I’d say this man just “bulges” with hobbies!

“Mike, you said 3
meters. We’ve been digging all morning and I don’t think we’re
even close. What say we shut this thing off and just LOOK for
your car?”

I think it only fitting on this holiday
occasion to highlight the family aspect of TimeZone, and nothing
pleases me more than when those two Margoulies brothers
get together and share their thoughts and opinions with us. While
9 years apart in age (Tom is 48; Mike 39) they
seem to get along so well. Tom knows a lot about Lesbian
Rabbi watches (you can look at him and tell that) and Mike
has been to Florida. Tom admits to a deep admiration for Patek
Philippe and Mike can get within 3 meters of things which are
lost. Tom thinks the Seiko Kinetic is the most significant watch
of the ’90’s and Mike hates grits. Tom likes wearing a hard hat
and Mike likes “pocket pool”. Tom admits to “going
on 12″ and Mike to being a “Damn Yankee”. There
are so many “Damn Yankees” in North Carolina now that
all of us “Southerners” have had to get our teeth fixed! Hope you boys have
a great 4th!


Can you believe it? It’s been another month.
Do you know what that means? It means it’s time for the




Summer is finally here and your vitality
and spirits are high. Your watch budget however is shot all to
hell. Sure, you managed to keep the wife and kids indoors all
winter while you pissed Junior’s college fund away on Day Trading
and watch purchases, but now it’s time for a holiday. As you
book those flights to Tahiti, you will recognize this cost as
“what could have been” and what it isn’t, is that Lange
1815! As Mercury slips back into Venus, Junior will bust up your
rental car, causing you yet another horological setback. Your
wife finds opportunities to do you grave financial harm as you
bite a hole in your lip, exclaiming “Yes darling they are
gorgeous” and “You deserve the very best”. Your
lucky number this month is 12, and that’s about what all of this
will cost you, several zeros notwithstanding!

Boy oh Boy, I just love the next Contest©
that starts this weekend! You know the one. Instigated by Dano,
he and a gaggle of participants are going to wear their watches
for a whole month without taking them off. Hmm. For some reason,
everyone on the forum with RT Airspeeds have signed up, and one
guy said he was going to buy a Blancpain to wear, because he
“sweats so bad”. Hmm. It’s July, right? 100 degree
temperatures, right? Humidity high as hell, right? Dano said
he will award a prize for all those who make it, and the whole
deal is on the “Honor System” (who would lie about
actually doing this?) Dano, for those who do accomplish this
feat of sanitary pustularzation©, may I suggest that the
prize be something in a pharmaceutical? An ointment, perhaps.
Good Luck? To you all?

Last week was a bad week for me and the
ladies! You all know that I’ve sort of had this “thing”
for Stephanie, and while I know she’s married, and my
wife knows I’m married, I still fancied myself her
favorite here on the forum. But that all changed last Saturday.
When I signed on to TimeZone, I found that damn Judge Crater
dousing her with all of that “fair maiden” sweet talk
crap. Gag me with a damn polish patch! Stephanie, all
he wants is your Patch© money and an endorsement
from an attorney other than Jaeger (can’t say I blame
him there) and as soon as he gets it, he’ll be on to someone
else. He would have asked Michael Friedberg for an endorsement
but from what Michael tells me, by the time he finally got his
Patch©, it looked more like Judge Crater’s Buffalo
Don’t let this man get too close!

JAS and Helen, modeling
their “engagement” watches. Two very fine people who
are damn lucky to have me as their “relationship counselor”!

Now, as if all of that wasn’t bad
enough, JAS has to post a picture of himself with the
other cyber-love of my life, Helen! What she sees in him,
I’ll never know. I get the impression that all JAS does is travel
around playing golf with Boon, leaving poor Helen all
alone. He’s quite the ladies man though from what Boon
tells me. You can tell from this photo that Helen would dump
him in a heartbeat, were it not for that watch! I think I have
a plan though. Helen, here’s what you do: Pawn JAS’s watch for
$500, tell him you lost it, tell him “it’s golf or me”,
then wait a week and go back and get the watch.

By then, you’ll be free, JAS and Boon will
be on the golf course, and…wait a minute. What am I going
to do about Stephanie? I am soooo confused!



“Sock Monkeys are my friend”

Yep, It looks like
Sock Monkey
to ME!!!

clock, as seen leaving
Celini in N.Y. where he saw his first Lange.
Does anyone know the fellow named
? He must either be very quiet or somewhat new
to the Forum. It is simply possible that I’m just too senile
to remember everyone. Nonetheless, we need to help this guy sort
his watch thing out. The other day he was going on about the
masculinity of a Reverso (or lack thereof), and then he
shows up over in the Lange Forum gushing on & on about
how he had finally seen a Lange and was now going to sell ALL
of his other watches (I guess the Reverso is now out of the question?).
I think this boy is confused and I think those Lange people did
it! Oh, you should have heard them when they saw clock’s
post. “I told you so”, “We knew you’d come around”,
“All that other stuff you have is crap”, and “Come
be one of us, clock”. This is a CULT, people. Once
they suck you in, there is no way out! They use every modern
“mind-control” technique known and their forum is rife
with subliminal messages…”buy a Lange…buy a
Lange…bark like a dog…buy a Lange…”
up clock! Lange may be the best watch made today, but
you better be careful around these people…get out now…drink
Coca-Cola…send me your Patek…
They are a l-i-t-t-l-e

Well, I hope you have enjoyed our little
July 4th get-together. I’ve certainly enjoyed having
you over. I think everyone enjoyed the food and from the sounds
of things, the baked beans were a big hit! I hope you all have
a safe and happy holiday week or weekend and remember to wash
up under you watch during this sweltering time of year! We don’t
need a fungus outbreak on the public forum! For those of you
interested, I think we have time for one more:

“Man, T-Bone and
Speener can throw a Party! Ooh! You ate the beans, didn’t you?”

That’s a Wap© you Weenies©! Not
a food-borne illness, but a chance to blow off steam!

T-Bone and Speener
Productions© Copyright This© 1999