“Nothing says loving like the TimeZone Wrap-Up.” – William Shakespeare

Week 3/29/1999



My Stepfather, with my Dad’s first wife!

This week’s wrap-up may possibly be remembered more for it’s brevity than breadth of content as I am leaving early this week to attend my Dad’s wedding in Pennsylvania. I missed his first two marriages, which occurred at the ages of -7 and +5, but I won’t miss this one!

He’s a remarkable man of 71 years and living proof that we don’t have to feel or act as old as we really are. So, as we head into this Easter weekend, may you all have cause to rejoice something in your lives, regardless of your race, religion, or watch preference. And may my Dad’s Viagra uphold his resolve to meet the challenges awaiting him in his new life!

You people were busy this week and I hate leaving early because I know I’m going to miss something! My Dad always said I slept with one eye open for this very reason, but I don’t think they have the Internet in Altoona so staying on-line won’t likely be an option. You have got to let me know if anything “good” happens, and if “Pimp Daddy” should show back up, please get his e-mail address. I’ve got to talk to that boy!

FilthBuster, spewing a mayonnaise sandwich

in protest of XXX filth!

What was with all the “spewing” going on Tuesday morning? Those of us on the East Coast awoke to one hell of a ruckus as the Forum literally filled up with XXX filth. The stuff was spewing everywhere and I even had some spewed on me (ruined a brand new tie). I don’t really mind XXX filth, I just don’t want to have to shower between posts. We’ve got basic hygiene standards here people and either observe them or take your spewing outside. I was able to capture an image of FilthBuster before he finally left the forum:

Once all of the spew was gone, we had a few of the “old timers” visit the forum. Time Flies checked in and sent us a big “hello” through RP, Justin Time emoted a thing or two on a couple of strings, Walt Odets stopped by briefly on his way to pee, and damn if WatchBore himself didn’t pop in on Wednesday just to see if I would notice. I did! If you guys had not left in the first place, we wouldn’t be having these spewing problems. You have got to come back and help me get this place under control!

Let’s all join in a big round of applause for Mort. Turns out he was the first to receive one of Richard’s TZ Minervas! Let’s all join in a big round of applause for Foie Gras. Turns out he was the first to receive an order from the TZ ToolShop (the fact that he jammed a 10x loupe in his dog’s eye is neither here nor there). Now, let’s all stick our fingers down our throats and hurl for FilthBuster, who wasn’t the first to recognize our potential as possible human beings.

Ei8htohms. Eight ohms, huh? Well, I’ve owned three so far and made pretty good money on the first two. I’ll probably keep the one I have now for a while, although I do get the occasional odd offer. I don’t really think I’ll ever own five more, but two or three more could be possible. My own personal rule-of-thumb is not to have so many that it hertz. But, whatever. Call yourself what you will, but you’ll always be Halter Barnes to me!

You will all be happy to know that I finally received my WIS pin from Richard. He held out as long as he could, having recognized his lapse in judgment by offering me one in the first place. He mailed it only after receiving a letter from my attorney, Michael Friedberg. Michael has had problems with this guy before, so he was anxious to take him to the mat (what a bulldog, this guy!). So now that I have this pin, what does this mean? Am I “in”? Am I one of the “cool dudes” of TimeZone? Am I eligible for some sort of discount from the TZ Store? Do I finally get my own “button” for the Wrap-Up? It took me 14 months to get this damn pin so does that now make me an “old timer’? If I am, don’t piss me off or I’ll leave! Michael, stand by buddy! This could start getting ugly!

Speaking of the WIS thing, Richard keeps trying to name some kind of personality disorder after our watch hobby. It’s just like him to want to turn something innocent into something ugly! To make us confess the sickness of our ways, he asked us this week about our “watch wearing pattern” (everything has got to be a pattern with this guy) for “newly acquired watches”. Well, I just strap the damn thing on and wear it and I don’t stop wearing it until I take it off. Some guy (dl, I think it was) said he wore a new watch until he got sick of it. Why would he do that? Doesn’t’ he know that he’s playing right into Richard’s hands? I guess the real “Quandary” here is that I’m an “Idiot” and don’t understand the question!

If all of that was not bad enough, Richard rolled out a dead guy for us to play with this week in one of his strange little Official TZ Contests! Do you ever notice that he never announces a winner? He let’s us play our little hearts out thinking we’re going to win some really nice prize, like a watch or one of those Zamboni watch winders that only come in red. You all just need to know that Richard keeps records of your behavior so whatever you do, don’t give this guy your Social Security number. I’m having some personal problems right now and am about to loose one of my ohms and I just know he is behind all of it! Michael, it’s looking like a little Quid Pro Quo here!

Mark Jungers asked us for help selecting either a BP, JLC, IWC, GP, Omega, Breguet, Patek, Lange, Oris, Breitling, Sinn, Minerva (there aren’t many of these, Mark), Cartier, Ventura, Orbita (that’s not actually a watch, Mark), Rolex, Seiko, Longines, or dare I say, Muller. Since you have pretty much narrowed it down already Mark, I’d just say go with one of these!

Well, the truth came out this week about our old buddy Jaeger, The Jaeger Meister. He was having an “Inventory Clearance” sale over on the Sales Forum Wednesday, trying to raise enough money to pay for that Lange 1. Turns out his wife never actually agreed to pay for the Lange, she just said he could have it! Now his entire collection is gone for the want of one damn watch. Hey Jaeger, look on the bright side! You don’t have to mow Phil Stover’s lawn anymore!

The discussions this week about moonphases gave me pause to wonder why there aren’t watches that track the many other important phases in our lives. Could there not be a 28-day, 2-button PMS, monthly calendar watch that would let me know when to get the hell out of the house? Isn’t there any number of objects that could appear in the aperture during the month? Perhaps a smiling face waning into one of evil, followed by either a handgun or an exploding grenade? As most men are pretty bad at remembering these things, I think this much more useful than a moon. Who sees much “moon” then anyway? There could also be birthday-phase or anniversary-phase watches or even a garbage-phase watch where a trash can would center itself every 4 days, surrounded by beer bottles and newspapers. Don’t those events tend to escape us more than the moon? I don’t know exactly what A. Crewe meant by “Waxing Gibbous” but I’d sure like to “Save Us, Mavis” during those “special” times of the month!

Boon was in Melbourne this week bumming food off of poor Shonie Herbath. He didn’t bother to buy a watch from Shonie either. I guess not. He’d already spent a small fortune on that new PP5026 and then decides to go on vacation. To save money he hitchhiked to Australia and got there in only 3 rides. Not bad, Boon! I’m glad you had a good time, but what I want to know is, who is Helen?! Time to go home, Boon. Shonie’s out of beer!

Man! This thing must have

a large buckle!

*Photo courtesy of

Hairy Ambiguity Studios*

Who would have guessed it? Paul Schliesser went on a “Tangent” this week and bought himself a new Nomos watch. I think Paul buys a new watch each week just so he can blow us away with his incredible photography! Either that or he just likes to photograph his wrist, knowing it drives Vincent (known on AOL as “Willie“) absolutely crazy. Gumby kind of liked Paul’s “ambiguous, fleshy, hairy thing” (his words, not mine) which makes me wonder if he too lives in San Diego? I do want to thank Paul for his “Newbies and civility” post on Tuesday. I think these comments were long overdue and I was pleased to see so many of you concur. We were all “newbies” once and it took us a while to grow comfortable with this new medium of exchange. So in honor of Paul’s heartfelt thoughts, I declare next week “Be Kind to a Newbie” Week. Let’s not leave a single post unacknowledged or embarrass a single new friend! Thanks Paul! If you don’t yet have a WIS pin, I’ll send you mine.

Attention! The following TimeZoners were banned this week from W*tchN*t:

  1. MJ– he was already banned, but they banned him again just for the helluva it
  2. The Pope– got a raw deal on a Yema
  3. Swahili “clicking” people– I knew this was going to happen!
  4. Foie Gras– too many reasons to list
  5. FilthBuster– sold the Pope a Yema
  6. Ei8htohms– no one can pronounce his name
  7. Lizzie– went into heat during a post
  8. Paul Schliesser– for showing his “ambiguous, fleshy, hairy thing”
  9. Gumby– for pointing out Paul’s “ambiguous, fleshy, hairy thing”, and
  10. Howard Cosell– for essentially being dead.

Congratulations to all of you who made this list! We will update it weekly along with the Forum scores and Paul’s watch purchases. Somehow I just know they are all tied together. Watch your step and…be careful out there!

In closing, I need you all to understand that what I do here is all about numbers. Numbers of readers, numbers of hits, numbers of advertisers, and numbers of dollars. Richard keeps telling me that my “hits” are way off and that he might be forced to cut me from the payroll (some payroll?) if things don’t pick up, yet he won’t provide me an accounting of my own numbers! I’ve talked with Ed about this and, as much as he would like to give me the information, he has obligations himself (Ed has 4 ohms) and can’t put himself in a bad position with our “boss”. So, damn it, don’t be blaming Ed! Here’s what I need you to do: If you really love these Wrap-Ups as much as any intelligent person ought to, please post a follow-up even if it is nothing more than gasp or a grunt. Vile criticisms count just as much as accolades. I need “hits” and I need “numbers” and I need them now! Hundreds of you send me private e-mails each week, yet never post publicly and I tell you, it’s killing me here. The only way to beat this guy and save my job is to do as I ask and hit that “Post Follow-up” button. I will be most appreciative! And if someone can get WatchBore to hit this thing, I get triple bonus points toward one of those Zamboni winders. Do this for me, at least until a real job come along! I love you all.

That’s a wrap folks! Not a gift-wrap, but an effort to stay afloat!